Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm passing your future prison.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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