I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My nipple is on Facebook.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
