Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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