Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize