i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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