Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize