Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
