dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
