i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
