Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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