I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's never too late to be topless.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
