you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I want to be your penis for a week.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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