I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
This is the high leading the old right now
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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