Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize