Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
