ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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