my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
