glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
