You smell like a Billy Joel song
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
