Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
