Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
