I looked at my own cervix.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
