You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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