someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
