How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
