hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
