New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize