apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
