I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
