His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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