I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
