im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
