Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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