she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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