brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
