I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
