I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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