We're facebook friends in real life
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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