I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I am one with the molecules
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
