saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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