Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the condom got lost in my hair
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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