I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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