I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
