I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
