I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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