Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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