masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You pole danced in your parka.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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