I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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