finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
