hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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