So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wear drunk well.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
