Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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