Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
