Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
