Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
