Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
