my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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