I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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