What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
