Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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