Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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