Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
