Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
