My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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