How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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