Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
