there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
